not really wordless enough wednesday: fifty shades of oh my!

After this, no I won't be downloading it to my kobo ... NB: possibly NSFW

ages and stages: futility

Every child grows at a different rate. Some mature fast, some slow. Some run fast while others are still coordinating one foot in front of the other. Some read whole paragraphs in books without pictures while others pick out words one finger at a time. Each to their own.

And so it goes with temperament, behaviour, reaction, response ... all the emotional brain chemistry that goes into making a personality and ends up as a packaged human being. Some children get it quickly, that there are certain norms of behaviour required for living easily in society. Others struggle.

We have a struggler.

My Wee Guy has a strong sense of justice, and, as with a lot of little children, it centres around himself. "Why does it always happen to me?" is a frequent wail, as he battles against another wrong. And oh boy, does he battle.

Though lately I've noticed he's quicker to reach tears at home than prolong the fight. Instead of a whole day/evening of stubborn illogical shouting he will now burst into tears ... and it will be over. Resignation. Recognition of that which cannot be changed. He seems to realise the futility of his actions against squeaky beans for dinner, or "no, we're not going to x, y or z", and the tears splash down his cheeks. Is he finally accepting the finality of, "because I say so"? Does he at last understand that he is the kid and we, the adults, usually have the final say in matters of safety, nutrition, homework ...?

Neufeld and Maté talk a lot about registering futility in their book, Hold On To Your Kids, describing it as essential to adaptive learning.

"Not until we accept that what we have been trying to do cannot be done and fully experience the disappointment and sadness that follow can we move on with our lives."

At one point in our quest to understand behavioural issues in school, we were told that the Wee Guy needed to appreciate futility before he moving forward. Neufeld and Maté write about moving from "mad to sad", from frustration to acceptance that it's not working, as a key step in child development. A child needs to understand that not everything works, and to accept this before learning how to cope.

Much as I love his feistiness and his stubborn belief in being right, it doesn't equate to an easy ride - at home, at school, with friends. Much as I love this new vulnerability in him, because maybe just maybe he's ready to learn how to share life with others, it also saddens me. Does he really need to know how futile life is? Accepting futility means surrendering invincibility. It means facing up to not being able to do everything, not thinking you can conquer the world in that lovely way kids believe in themselves. Yes, it means a step closer to being adult, but with all the questioning, second-guessing, no-you-can't stifling of creativity that being a grown-up entails.

Who would wish self-doubt on their child?

midlife monday: cut and paste

ooooh! new Moo! business cards from my @klout perk. - my pretentious writer & artist series, originally uploaded by ebbandflo_pomomama.

It's been a cut-and-paste kind of day, repetitive and somewhat tedious. The grunt work is necessary but I agreed wholeheartedly with my computer when it froze after six-and-a-bit hours.

We got the work done after a quick reboot.

... a bit like being a stay-at-home parent ... (yes, it's Swiss Toni moment). If I remember to insert the creative reboots throughout the day, then life flows a little better and the tedium is less tedious.

His first chemistry lecture; enduring the big bangs at SFU open house

See the full gallery on Posterous

fibre friday: con.text

Yesterday's fibre friday from the other blog - gearing up for a creative summer? I hope so :)

fibre friday: con.text:

Have at last started work on a series of pieces for a gallery show this July - the working title is con.text or con:text (whichever I think has the typographical clout) and will be work inspired by chunks of text. The title is a play on words around the first project.
This morning I heat-transferred a 419 email contents onto a thrifted remnant of cream silk ... hence con text!
If you need any more clues, try googling Nigerian scam :)

friday forte: a centre for men

Why yes - I do support setting up a men's centre on Burnaby Mountain. As the mother of a son, I think the idea is worth thinking about, and I don't think it can be dismissed casually by saying that we still live in a very male-dominated society (or rape culture as I've seen it referred to in its most extreme). Certainly society has a long way to go before gender equality, but excluding a men's centre just because they are the 'dominant sex' is not a valid excuse.



No, I'm not advocating a men-only gentleman's club arrangement, where there are token ladies' nights for the little woman at home, and men can sit around practising their chauvinism. I'm suggesting that young men need a safe space to learn what it does mean to be a real man, to get away from the media stereotypes forced on them, where their gender are the inept buffoons, or the laughing stock butt of every jokey commercial.  They need to know that not all women think they are the enemy - that most are willing to give them a chance and not automatically label them as sexist - and that women are neither inferior nor superior.

They also need a safe place to explore their own feelings, to share their fears and know that this isn't a sign of weakness, before a health problem becomes untreatable or a mind gets set on suicide as a way out.



I read the "men are the enemy" diatribes online and see the frankly sexist rants about how only women are the good sex; it makes me sad. Most of these young men you talk so disparagingly about were raised by mothers, many of whom try to raise thoughtful, compassionate individuals who are concerned about equality as much as their sisters are. Society might be biased against our efforts but things will only change if we do give new generations of young men a chance to practice this equality rather than condemning them to repeat the cycle. When you offer up some jaded half-baked and generalised observation pushing men back into their cave, you offend the parents who are trying to make a difference and yes, you push the boys back in the cave too.



I would like my son to grow up and leave home into a welcoming world which values him as a man without automatically labelling him as sexist, misogynistic or flawed by nature of his gender. It's not just daughters we need to make the world a better place for.

As the mother of my son, I think the world I'm about to send him off into needs more men's centres.

self portrait thursday: such a lot has happened to me

For one thing, the little dude sitting on the chair with his back to me has happened.
And that's quite a big deal - he acts like the glue in my life, holding a number of other happenings in orbit around us both.
And self portrait thursday happened. It used to be something that a bunch of Etsy sellers would do back in the good old days when Etsy actually had a community. We'd take our portraits, post them to the flickr group then stop by to 'chat'. Good times.
Since then SPT has evolved into a snapshot of what's going on inside my head - sometimes it's ranty, other times just vacant! Occasionally it's contentment.
But always a reflection on life so far.
As I said, a lot has happened to me.